My Her-story

P eople who work with me or meet me in this phase of my life are often surprised when I share stories of my “colorful” past with them.  It is true that I have come a very long way in this life, and it is equally as true that I have only come this far because of all the lessons I have had to learn.  Here is a little insight into my journey…

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Throughout my life, I have explored the depths of the illusion, as all of us have and may be still continuing to do.
As tends to happen in the “illusion”, I spent many years of my life unconsciously believing that I was unworthy of being truly loved, and I had projected this belief unto others by holding them, and anything else outside of myself, as being responsible for my own happiness.
As such, I had kept myself in a dark space of deep insecurity and for most of my earlier life, and I had “written myself off” in terms of ever being truly happy, confident or free.  I had grown to be jealous of others whom I believed were truly happy, confident and free, judging them as better than myself – only validating my sense of unworthiness.

In this space, I had created an alter-ego of sorts.  An image of myself I had unconsciously created that would hide how deeply alone I felt in the world, but would instead do my best to convince ‘you’ that I was in fact happy.
Even though I almost always had a smile on my face, and always had a lot of friends, a good home etc.,  I wasn’t always being truthful when I would say “everything’s great!”, because that certainly was not my dominant outlook on life, nor myself.  In short, even though my intentions were always good, I was, for the most part, living a lie.

My balancing act of maintaining an image of “Everything’s great! :)” while falling apart inside eventually exhausted me.  As with anything that is built on a loose and shaky foundation, I eventually collapsed, and realized something needed to change…

I trace this back to an experience I had in early 2001, when I noticed something unusual as I was lying on the kitchen floor crying uncontrollably.  The uncontrollable crying was not what struck me as unusual… ;)… but rather the awareness that I was holding myself back from reaching out for help.  To clarify, trying to handle everything myself was not in itself unusual, but the clarity of awareness in this particular moment felt very new.  It also felt scary.  So with a deep breath, I decided to call my best friend whom I trusted.  In this, I realized for what seemed like the very first time, that it wasn’t actually her that I was questioning as being trustworthy, but rather it was trusting myself to be vulnerable enough to completely let go and open up that was blocking me from being free.

I don’t recall much of that conversation, but she has said that I was crying about a guy… again, nothing new here ;)… and I recall having a very deep and sound sleep that night.

The next morning I awoke feeling like the air over a field covered with fresh morning dew – I had been kissed by a deep sense of purity.  Still a little exhausted and unsure of what I was experiencing, I felt I could breathe more easily while recognizing I had come to some form of conclusion that something had to change, as I couldn’t go on in this way anymore.
In that moment, I heard a ‘voice’ within me ask a question.

Voice – “So, what is it that you would like to change?”
Me – “I don’t like being jealous.”
Voice – “Why are you jealous?”
Me – “Hmmm… I guess I’m insecure…”
Voice – “Why are you insecure?”

As the conversation continued, a door within me began to open…

This catapulted me into a new phase of my life, one that felt completely new and completely scary and even more so, exciting.  I had begun a journey of Self exploration that would take me to places far beyond my wildest dreams.  Looking to myself rather than everyone and everything else for happiness and permission to be ME was certainly unusual for me up until that point.

In hindsight, everything began to accelerate in my life following that moment, although at the time things didn’t always seem so.  I would get impatient with “the journey” and just wanted to get to “the good stuff” that I intuitively knew I was being led toward.  In that all in life is divinely perfect, in order to get “here”, I had to be impatient, confused, frustrated etc. in order to realize who I really am.  In other words, I kept dipping my toes in, to test the waters, before trusting it was safe to take the full plunge.

Fast forward to present time…

I, like all of us, am still in excited exploration of my Self and All that is, and often tell people I am on my 8th lifetime, within this one.  I have explored many different expressions of BEingness, and am deeply joyful in consciously choosing who I wish to be each day – expanding my experience of Self in ways that are most fun and exciting to me.

Throughout my conscious journey, I have come to realize the importance of being Self empowered, and of course this comes as a result of my being disempowered for so very many years of this life and surely countless life experiences before.

In shifting my power back to my Self, I have overcome many patterns of limitation that many of us experience…  unhealthy romantic relationships, alcoholism, low self image… several variations of not believing in my Self.

I now am sharing and exploring life with a partner with whom we are Truly in Love… I haven’t drank in God knows how long (I stopped counting the days a long time ago, as it felt more empowering to just be present each day with what IS)… and I am more in love with my Self now more than ever, in all ways –  I smile if/when my pants feel too tight, rather than my old pattern of being incredibly hard on myself, which I hadn’t realized how unproductive and pointless it was… except for ego validation.

I always say that all of our “issues” in life stem from some form of a disconnect of Love for Self.  Therefore, the antidote for all of our perceived problems is… you guessed it… LOVE.  We love our selves as we love each other, and vice versa… but we are not truly loving anyone when we are selling ourselves short.  In other words, when we live in a state of disempowerment, no one can be happy.

My work here, in this life, is not only to BE empowered myself, but to also assist you in your journey of Self empowerment.  If you are ready and willing to step out of the old box of limitation/duality, and leap into Knowing and living in your True potential, please contact me to schedule a free consultation.  I look forward to connecting with you!

 

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Phone: (778) 962.0111
Website: www.TinaBaudon.com
Email: Connect@TinaBaudon.com